Throughout my life I have often heard the phrase, "Friendship goes both ways." This phrase usually comes as an excuse for why a person is ending a friendship with someone they feel does not make an equal effort in the relationship. I never thought much about it, and often even thought I understood and agreed with the sentiment. Recently, however, I've peeled back the layers of this phrase and what it truly implies, and I have come to a new opinion.
For the first time in my life, this phrase was recently thrown at me as a way to imply that I was the friend who was failing to put effort into the friendship. The irony is that, the friend who accused me of not making an effort is someone who has been invited into my home at least twice a month, every month for two years, for a highly exclusive social club I host. This friend is someone I invited, along with their entire family, over to swim and eat dinner at my house multiple times this past summer. This friend is someone I would ask to come along on shopping trips with me, sans-kids -- a sort of mom's day out.
And this friend, a mere three days after sitting in my home, eating and drinking from my antique heirloom china, told me that "friendship goes both ways," and she could not remember the last time I had invited her to hang out.
I hadn't thought about it before, but being forced to look back in retrospect, I realized that the friend who made this accusation had only actually extended an invitation to me to spend time together one time that I could remember in our many years of friendship, and that one time was well over a year ago. But as I told her, to me, friendship was not about keeping tallies.
I feel that this accusation, however, has led me to more closely examine what it means to be a friend, and especially the meaning of the phrase, "Friendship goes both ways."
I met my first best friend when I was three years old. While we have gone through periods where our lives have grown apart (and come back together, and grown apart again), our loyalty to one another has never wavered.
Looking back, I remember, as a small child, frequently having her spend the night in my home, and even taking her along on family camping trips with my family. I do remember at one point asking my parents why I was never invited to spend the night at her house. I don't remember what their answer was, but it didn't matter. I accepted it and moved on. I was just happy that when I invited her to my house, the answer was almost always a resounding "yes". Our friendship did not depend on her asking me over to her house, in response to me having her over at mine. The fact that I was never invited on her family vacations didn't stop me from inviting her on mine.
Now, as adults, we live in separate states and both live very busy lives. From time to time, she will be on my heart and I will send her a text to see how she is doing. She always responds and is glad to hear from me.
One day, she apologized for never thinking to text me first. Her life is so busy, it just doesn't cross her mind, and she was afraid I would start thinking of her as a bad friend. I assured her that didn't matter to me. I was just happy that she replied when I texted her, and I didn't ever want her to feel less-than for not initiating a conversation.
Looking back on this, I realize that I've never had the "friendship goes both ways" mentality, at least in the tit-for-tat context. It has never occurred to me to keep a tally on who initiates more in the friendship.
Upon digging deeper, I began thinking about how each of us has vastly different personality types. Some people are highly extroverted. These will be the friends who are constantly making the effort to call and plan hangouts and other fun things to do with friends. They are the social butterflies who make new friends wherever they go.
Other people are introverted. Introverts can be just as faithful and loyal of friends as extroverts, but they may not take the initiative to call you or arrange plans. However, when you call or text them, they are highly likely to reply, and when you invite them to spend time with you, they often will say yes, being thankful to be remembered and included.
Of course, there is a whole world of grey area in between the extrovert and introverted friends, but the point is that people express their friendship in different ways.
If I am the friend who always takes the initiative, and you are never the first to call or text me, or invite me over to dinner, I honestly will take no notice. If, when I reach out to you, you are happy to hear from me; if, when I invite you to spend time with me, you happily accept my invitation, then I will feel secure in our friendship.
(Now I will say this: if you not only never reach out to me as a friend, but regularly ignore and reject my efforts at friendship, I may take that to mean you aren't interested in being friends. Even so, before drawing that conclusion, I will give you every opportunity and benefit of the doubt until I am positive you don't want me in your life. But once I realize that you aren't interested in friendship, I promise to leave you alone.)
Back to the purpose of this article, however, should friendship "go both ways"? My answer depends on your definition of what it means to go both ways. If you mean that friends should keep a tally of how many times each initiates conversation or hangouts, and if one person doesn't meet the quota, they are out ... then, no. I do not believe friendships go both ways. If an extrovert and an introvert are friends, the extrovert will likely do 100% of the initiating, but that doesn't mean the introvert doesn't cherish that relationship and enjoy talking to and spending time with that friend. They just show their love differently.
If friendship going both ways means that there is at least some give-and-take, some effort from both parties to show the other that they care, even if in their own unique ways, then yes. This can look like your introverted friend texting you back something like, "It's so good to hear from you! I'm sorry I haven't texted you lately." This could mean that they show up to social gatherings or personal hangouts at least occasionally when you invite them, when their schedule allows. This could mean them answering the phone, at least sometimes, when you call them (or even responding to a missed call with a text), especially if they are uncomfortable with phone conversations in general.
If you have made it this far reading this, I want to encourage you to think twice before criticizing a friend - or ending a friendship - because "I can't remember the last time you initiated the conversation; a hangout; whatever." Remember that we are all different and we all show our love different ways. If you feel that you are always the initiator in the friendship, but your friend usually responds positively to your initiations, then that is a sign you have a good and healthy friendship. Do not give with an expectation to receive. That is not friendship, and that is not love. Keep extending the invitation and let it be enough for them to simply accept. If you are on the other end, don't let anyone make you feel guilty for not calling/texting/inviting/hosting or otherwise reaching out as often as they do. It is not your job to make everyone in the world happy. Be yourself, and your true friends will love you as you are.
Until next time,
Crystal
